In Residence:
The Don’s Guide to Cambridge



Sometime Tutor1 of Trinity

Elijah Johnson

I dedicate
this volume to

who so worthily carried on the
traditions of high thinking and noble living
inaugurated by myself
when at Cambridge
but I am too lazy to write
an ode to him

I thank the papers, living and dead, who first published these masterpieces, for their tacit and unnecessary permission to reprint them in collected form.

Artiste’s Foreword

These poems are all or nearly all reprinted from the otherwise dull pages of the “Granta,” “Cantab,” “Cambridge Magazine,” “Silver Crescent,” and other tony sheets. [Tony sheets is good, and free from the no ‘count English accent.]

People who wanted to read them had to buy these papers, which were messy and lumpy, while the reader’s attention was unpleasantly distracted by the dung heap on which these pearls were cast. This volume meets the crying need of millions of what some people will call “undergrads.” The price for Cash will be One Shilling, for Credit One Thousand Guineas, in the proportion familiar to all “scions of Alma Mater,” as some other people always say. Damn ‘em!


  • Artiste’s Foreword
  • Ballade of Bad Verses


  • Ballade of Tripos Fever
  • Ballade of Bowling
  • Ballade of Bicycling
  • Ballade of Whist
  • Ballade of New Criticism
  • Ballade of the Tyranny of a Commercial Empire
  • Ballade of Ursa and Ursula
  • Ballade of the May Term
  • Ballade of Summer Joys
  • Ballade of the Mutability of Human Affairs
  • Ballade of Guideless Climbing
  • Ballade of the Backs
  • Ballade of Cambridge Papers
  • Ballade of the New Humour
  • Ballade of the One-Eyed Tout
  • Ballade of Lawn Tennis
  • Ballade of Serious Ballades
  • Ballade of Old Admirals
  • A Refrain of a Far Country
  • A Ballade of Farewell

Moutain Airs, Very Appropriate!

  • The Alps
  • Hut v. Hotel
  • “Bitte, Herr, Bezahlen!”
  • Mathematician, ne’er forget
  • The Mountaineer’s Father William
  • The Traverse of the Aiguilles Rouges

Mixed Biscuits

  • To Heteromita Rostrata
  • Principally Remigial
  • How to do a Rechauffé
  • The Village Champions
  • Two Sonnets in Praise of a Publisher
  • To an Unappreciative University
  • Sappho in Chic-a-go
  • A Rondel
  • A sonnet of Spring Fashions
  • Mary Rogers
  • Ode to Gerald Festus Kelly
  • A Rondel
  • The Chemist’s Love-Song
  • Bal Masqué
  • Lines in Spring
  • Au Theatre du Grand Guignol


1 So-called because the College interests were safe (Lat., tutus-a-um, safe) in his hands, as proved by its continued existence