The Naked Menace
On Wednesday, March 29, the U.S. Supreme Court upheld an Erie, Pennsylvania law criminalizing nudity in public places, forcing exotic dancers to perform wearing pasties and G-strings. The law was justified, in the view of the court, as it was intended to fight the secondary effects of nude dancing, such as crime and threats to public safety. A full report can be found here. In a Beast Bay exclusive, libidinal crusader and one-time exotic dancer Laurie Lovekraft speaks out on the court's decision.
In response to the dubious developments in Washington DC, I say . . .
Yes! Revolutions can be incited by nudity! So cover up the tits and twats of American's most marginalized workers before our democratic rights and unlimited lines of credits are swimming in an anarchist soup.
Fight crime with nipple guards! Because you never know what evil lurks behind a woman's breast.
Fight crime with g-strings! Because you never know what illicit acts a woman's nether regions could incite. Why, maybe a riot, or a bomb threat, or a terrorist uprising!
Fight crime! Police a woman's right to consensually strut her stuff on stage. Because a woman free to express her sexuality is a woman free to construct bombs in her suburban basement when she's pissed off at the PTA.
Fight crime! Support the right-wing takeover of America's strip clubs and ignore discriminatory treatment of workers. Because a unionized, collectively run lap dancing parlor reeks of socialism, and red lipstick is only one step away from red communism.
Fight crime! Limit a woman's ability to feed and support her family. Because working for minimum wage at WalMart is more pious than paying off your student loans shaking your titties on a swing shift.
Fight crime! Give tax breaks to corporations who keep America's economy booming, but subordinate the hard-working call girls that service trade shows and high tech conventions.
Fight crime! Contribute to the sexual malaise of America's men by limiting outlets for sexual expression. Because sexual malaise leads to depression and hypertension which increases prescription drug use and dopes up America's men. A doped up man will not question authority and the censoring of his civil rights, including the freedom to see a woman's aureole or labia.
But then again, let's look on the bright side.
Nipple guards and g-strings could become an asset to this much-maligned profession. A woman can now hide a cell phone under her panties in case she's harassed by a patron in the front row. Or she could have a mini-pepper spray applicator stashed under her nipple guard in case her Friday night bachelor party decides to under-tip.
I say, let them try to police America's libido. With our country's strong entrepreneurial sprit, Victoria's Secrets is destined to design stylish nipple guards in burnt sienna, plum, and cornflower blue. WalMart won't be far behind with an affordable Martha Stewart g-string design of their own. What a great way to fight crime.
The Fine Print: The following comments are owned by whoever posted them.
Re: The Naked Menace by Uskorpius 777 on Thursday January 25, @10:41AM
Love your name, “Lovekraft.” Clever. I concur completely with the justified moral outrage embodied in your satirical commentary. Ever since the Insane Anglo Warlord (anagram) unleashed his Meesester on the Playboy magazines in the 7-11s, such idiocy would be bound to follow. To me, the nude dancer has and always will be an expression of the sacred female. In ancient Mohenjo-daro, she was exalted; today, she is shamed. Only more ugliness can precipitate from this lunacy and what I call acephalic cyanorhinic xanthogastrics (brainless blue-nosed yellow-bellies).
Mad Chao Cabal