The Erisian Mass

LET IT BE KNOWN that this Mass may be performed by five persons, provided those five persons are willing to perform. The five officiating ritualists are referred to by the following titles: High Holy Boss of Religion, Great Overseer of Forbidden Arcana, Omnipotent Matriarch/Patriarch of The Mystic Realms, Most Divine Empirical Pedagogical Wizard, and Head Enchilada of Miscellany. Collectively, the five officiating ritualists are second in power only to Goddess Herself, or to any members of the congregation present at the Mass. To save space, the five officiating ritualists shall henceforth be referred to as simply

#1, #2, etc.


ACT I: The Climactic Sacrament of Ecstatic Communion

(all members of the congregation mob around the altar and receive communion of Orange juice, dispensed by #2, and Donuts (preferably jelly), dispensed by #3. As each congregant receives their portion of the Hostess, they should place their minds into a meditative state by thinking impure thoughts about Goddess, or another member of the congregation.

#5: And Goddess spake: “And when you, my children, have wandered through the night and grown hungry, you shall behold the holy beacon of the donut shop, wherein thou shalt consume donuts in my name.”

#4: “And you shall fear not the cops and drunkards which abound at such all-night eateries, for they too seek my glory, though they find it not solely through the rites of eating donuts.”

#1: “But you, my children, have beheld the mysteries of the Golden Apple, and quaffed the pleasant-tasting syrup which flows from within.”

#5: “For the uninitiated shall not know the full meaning of KALLISTI, for they do not understand Greek!”

#4: “And if you, my child, understand Greek, make sure you use some (ahem) protection!”

(Officials may ad-lib further, or simply remain silent, depending on how ugly the crowd gets, until everyone has taken communion.)


ACT II: The Invocation and Sycophantic Supplication unto Goddess

#1: We are gathered here today in the sight of Goddess in order that we might conduct the Sacred High Mass of Eris.

#2: Hail Eris, Full of Grace!

#3: Holy Queen of Outer Space!

#4: Leading Lady of This Place!

#4: Hail Eris, Full of Grace!

#5: Hail Eris, Lady of Chaos!

#3: Hail Eris!

All: All Hail Discordia!


ACT III: The Sacred Litany

All: I say, my dog has no nose!

#2: No nose?!? How does he smell?!?

All: Bloody awful!

#1: LET IT BE KNOWN that Dog spelled backwards is goD!

#4: LET IT BE KNOWN that Cow spelled backwards is woC!

#3: LET IT BE KNOWN that Pterodactyl spelled backwards is difficult to pronounce!

All: And that's the fact, Jack!


ACT IV: The Benevolent Adoration and Implied Genuflection

#5: And Goddess spoke, saying “I just flew in from Nirvana”.

#2: And boy, was that a noisy airplane!

#4: And the servant of Goddess sought to know Her, and soon found ineffable bliss.

#1: And boy, were his arms tired!

#3: Let the simulated crowd noise commence!

All: Watermelon cantelope watermelon cantelope (etc. etc.)


ACT V: The Malevolent Benediction and Spewing Forth of The Holy Laws

#2 (shouting over the simulated crowd noise): And when Goddess heard the crowds growing restless, She realized they lacked direction.

#3: And direction She gave them! Goddess towered above the confused hordes, and gave them the twenty-three commandments!

(#3 raises hands dramatically, and simulated crowd noise immediately ceases.)

#1: Thou shalt have other Goddesses before dinnertime!

All: Or not!

#4: Thou shalt worship worship worship idols!

All: Or not!

#5: Thou shalt take the Lord's name in vain!

All: And what if we don't, GODDAMMIT?!?!?

#3: Thou shalt drink beer and listen to old Black Sabbath albums!

All: Or not!

#2: If participating in the three-legged race at the next family reunion, strive for Honorable Mention!

All: Or not!

#1-#5 simultaneously: KILL! MURDER! MAIM! DESTROY! (x5)

All: Get serious!

#4: Sorry, wrong religion. Thou shalt not commit adulthood!

All: Pretty pleeeeeeeeeeez?!?

#2: Well, maybe, if you eat all your peas. Thou shalt go around stealing people in the face for no particular reason.

All: I think not!

#3: Agreed. Thou shalt not watch America's Most Wanted in hopes of seeing thine next-door neighbor.

All: Agreed!

#1: Thou shalt not, under any circumstance, read this sentence aloud.

All: Blasphemer! Blasphemer! Blasphemer!

#5: And if you have enjoyed these commandments, and wish to receive more, send 1-800-666-3747 to the post office box not eligible to VISA or Mastercard owners. Allow $23.93 for delivery, C.O.D's void with your complementary gift.

All: Thank you all, and have a nice day!