2006-The Year in Review

posted by lucifer benway in degeneral on 1/30/2006 12:00:00 AM

While other Key23 contributors will likely make you wait until December at the earliest for their “Year in Review” columns, the Good Doctor sees no reason to make his loyal and eager fans wait. After an intense sit-down session with my scrying crystal and a dropper full of heavy liquid in my ear, I saw 2006-the year of 06/06/06. Fear not, loyal listeners. My prognostications for the future do not involve a single instance of “and lo! I beheld a bowl!” What I do offer is some practical advice on how to avoid calamities, catastrophes and cataclysms in this, the “year of the Beast.” You may laugh or cry but you will ignore my warning at yr own peril.

February 2, 2006 – The World’s Supply of Dope Disappears

Shiftless layabouts and creative cannibots alike shake their fists at the heavens on Groundhog Day. In addition to all copies of the Bill Murray comedy missing from the shelves, all the green grass dries up and disappears. In perfect conjunction with Punxatawney Phil’s prognostication of an early spring the world’s supply of dope disappears. Mobile phone calls bleep out of control as chronic smokers desperately search for even a nick sack of Mexican brickers and hardcore dopers convince themselves that “yes that was a resin hit, not the taste of my lighter.” Emergency rooms become packed with teenagers freaking out on all manner of consciousness-altering agents from 20x salvia to bleach as the world desperately tries to get a good buzz on.

March 2006 – The Second Coming of Elvis Christ

A corpulent pensioner with a deliciously earthy Southern accent wanders into a 7-11 wearing a white jumpsuit. While he possesses no memory of his identity- at least at first- he knows that he desperately craves jalapeño and cheddar Go Go Taquitos (TM) “know whut I mean, man?” The owner summons police hoping to return the man to his home. However things take a turn for the weird when, over a week’s time, forensic scientists discover that the man is Elvis Presley. After several sessions of orgone therapy the King’s amnesia breaks and we learn that he has been shipped to the Dog Star to have the Christ spirit implanted in his body. The King then demands peanut butter and banana sammiches, claims Graceland and kills all of his daughters ex-husbands with fire shot from his finger tips.

April 1, 2006 – NewsCorp Buys Key23

In perhaps the worst-timed acquisition since John DeLorean bought that suitcase full of blow, Rupert buys all assets of Key23 on April Fools' Day 2006. None of the contributors believe the email they receive the morning of, informing them of the magazine’s new ownership and rebranding. The new brand image includes the slogan “Key23- Magic With a Fox Attitude!” Much of the news content shifts to translated al-Qaeda speeches calling for the “death of infidel sorcerers who blow on knots.” In a press release sent out following a sharp decline in productivity after the acquisition new K23 Chairman Chris Arkenberg states “You motherfuckers had better earn. Baby needs a new pair of shoes.”

April 23, 2006 - Poetic Justice

JT LeRoy gets “curbed” by the same Puerto Rican drag queens that started the Stonewall rebellion. Southerners, poor people, HIV+ folks, trannies and people who hate bad wigs celebrate with a shot of Jaeger. No charges are pressed after Elvis Christ intervenes.

June 9, 2006 - Recycled Jokes Make the World Go Round

Michael Szul graces the cover of Playgirl magazine, following in the footsteps of such luminaries as Steve “the Gute” Gutenberg, Burt “Mr. Moustache” Reynolds and Jim “Fucking” Brown. The world at large is treated to Hot Jersey Beefcake in the form of the Mad Ghoul who has taken advantage of the magazine’s BYO Fluffer policy. When asked about his appearance in the gay-oriented magazine, Szul simply stated that “it was the only way Benway could steal my joke.”

July 6, 2006 - Has the Edge Gone Dull?

Ultraculture’s website finally launches in a hail of publicity that ends the longest day ever. Occultists the world over scratch their heads and wonder what some straight edge kid’s blog has to do with the magical renaissance.

August 11, 2006 - Happy Birthday, Dr. Benway

Lucifer Benway hits Powerball. After purchasing the failing Key23 back from NewsCorp he buys a massive house in San Francisco where he is lavished with sexual attention by pandrogyne biodrones created in his solid gold cloner from his own DNA. When asked by a reporter how his new found wealth would affect him Benway replied “See that platinum plated 65 El Dorado over there? It cost more than you’ll make in yr life.” Throughout the year Benway will become renowned for several days long parties involving sins unspeakable. He will make headlines a week after the win for shooting a police officer in the leg and then smoothing it over by buying him an island.

October 1, 2006 – Austin, TX Replaced With Black Hole

But since it’s the same mass as the city, no one notices until Wavy Gravy’s blog starts getting old.

December 22, 2006 – Benway Flips His Shit

Benway buys his own island, discovers the secret of invisibility and begins launching heavy mortar fire around the island for “shits and giggles” (Reuters). While no one can see Doc anymore, the natives on the island report strange phantom sounds of Hall and Oates coming from the basement of his lair.

December 23, 2006 – Los Angeles Coup D’etat

A gang of occultists take control of Greater Los Angeles county in a stunning coup d’etat. Former government officials and Hollywood producers are rounded up in the streets and subjected to nefarious torture that includes hours of Chicago XVII punctuated only by extended readings of the blacked out sections of House of Leaves. While most of America is glad to be rid of the blighted section, the new formation (dubbed the “Rosicrucian Republic”) makes headlines when it buses all the Evangelicals to Kansas. The Minister of Transportation, appearing on CNN in a gorilla mask and identified only as Eegah! the Magnificent declares “What? You want them?”

December 31, 2006 - 3… 2… 1… HAPPY NEW YEAR!

You email me and tell me how right I am all the time.


Comments:

giggles erupting on this end. heh.

posted by: triskele on 2006-01-30 It's about time someone recognized my obvious comic genius.

posted by: Lucifer Benway on 2006-01-31 You're trying to get me fired from Occult Talk, aren't you?

posted by: Brenden Simpson on 2006-01-31 The worlds supply of dope disappears and no one thinks to look under your bed?

I prostrate myself before your precognitive powers good Dr.

May the spirit of Boz be with you. :-)

posted by: adam on 2006-01-31 '…strange phantom sounds of Hall and Oates coming from the basement of his lair.'

You know, I couldn't think of anything more fucking terrifying.

posted by: tor on 2006-01-31 Adam:

You've totally foiled the plot of “Project Greenfinger.”

Don't be surprised when you still haev yr dope Thursday.

posted by: Lucifer Benway on 2006-01-31 In a press release sent out following a sharp decline in productivity after the acquisition new K23 Chairman Chris Arkenberg states “You motherfuckers had better earn. Baby needs a new pair of shoes.”

Damn straight, bitches. Baby needs to stockpile for the Dope Drought.

posted by: lvx23 on 2006-02-01

Damn straight, bitches. Baby needs to stockpile for the Dope Drought.

Can this be our new masthead?

posted by: Lucifer Benway on 2006-02-01 You forgot the most important story of the year, where the Key23 mob successfully establishes the first occult-driven (yeah, sure) drug cartel specializing in mescaline and DMT. Suddenly, desperate high school kids find themselves getting illuminated, and all they wanted was a quick high… As the Key23 cartel operates through a system of barter, exchange, and sexual favors, but without cash, law corporate rulers fail to see the threat–too late for them to see the fire in their stairways…

posted by: channel null on 2006-02-01 Hah! I can see that shit right now. “All I wanted was a little horse, but those sneaky bastards from Key23 had me seeing God and talking to my dead relatives about my direction in life. It was like some kinda divine drug intervention program. Now I'm off heroin and running a consulting firm that mediates between ancestor spirits and Sony's CEO. Thanks, Key23!”

Doc - isn't it obvious what some random straight-edge kid has to do with the magical evolution of humanity? LOOK CLOSER.

Or just go to the real Ultraculture site.

posted by: Charlie's Horse on 2006-02-01 Uh… it was “t3hj0k35”

posted by: Lucifer Benway on 2006-02-01